花香馥缕

很神奇的，居然能和某人正常的谈话了。甚至，可以很坦然地谈起曾经的那段感情。

他问我说，想起我们过去的所作所为，会不会觉得我们很傻很天真？

我笑笑说是。面对那样一段幻觉般的感情，恐怕再没有人比我更傻。

然而我却在心里说，纵使当初的行为有多么幼稚和愚蠢，对我而言，却终究不能用傻和天真来形容这样一段感情。毕竟，对于它，我投入了我当时所能投入的全部，我的心，我的爱，我的神志，我的学业和我的整个生活。

恍惚间大学便过去了，恍惚间像是做了许多事，又像是什么都没做。但是唯一用心用力的，大约就是对他的感情。即使到现在，仍然分不清这段感情究竟是真实还是幻觉，这也是唯一觉得要用心用力去记住的东西。

也许对于他来说，和我的纠缠也许确实是一件无聊而可笑的事情，但是这毕竟是属于我一个人的感情，我说是严肃的，那么就是严肃的。

但是，这样坦然而正常的谈话实在难得。

而这种平淡，却似乎将我前不久激起的波澜平息下去。

之前的对立和刻薄的态度，像一个死结，打在心里而挥之不去。而如今解开了，一切似乎就都好了。

那天很不幸的，让某人看到了这里。

事后他找我赌气，引用我在这里说的话。

我哑然。这么长时间过去了，某人仍然像个孩子。

虽然我一直觉得，某人并没有资格这样的对待我，毕竟，爱上他，也是我的无可奈何。但是我想，我原谅他。我从来都不怪他。

我不知道某人在气什么，我不知道某人在计较什么，我也不知道某人为何偏偏不能以温和的态度对我。一如既往，关于某人的一切，我一点也不能够知道。但是我不计较，从来都不。对这样从来就只存在于幻想中的男子，我还能够计较什么呢？

这里不是为了某人而开。我的文字也不是为了某人而写。如果他来，就随他来，我也再不会像过去那样因为他的出现而频繁的更换博客。如果他来，继续对我耍性子，我也是一点办法都没有。如果他来，那么就请他记住，我仍然爱他，一如既往，如果要鄙视我，那就尽了情地去鄙视罢，毕竟，静默的去爱一个虚幻的影子，于人于己，又有什么害处？

说不出更多的话，毕竟对于某人，早就陷入无话可说的境地。

第一次听到Iglesias Enrique的Hero，是在朋友的博客里。
忘不了音乐响起的时候，Enrique那低沉的声音响起，I can be your hero。
朋友说，那样的一句话，轻轻地说出来，如此深情，却不失诚意和勇敢。

然后，我又轻轻地哭出声音。
原来时隔那么长的时间，我终究还是没有能够把你忘掉。
你知道吗？我想对你说，你永远是我的英雄。你就像天生的聪明，与生俱来的纯洁和善良，孩子般的任性和不管不顾。
虽然我知道，有些事情永远不可能挽回，但是我不求什么，只求能这样远远的对你遥望，就这样远远望着。
你永远是我的英雄。

从没有听过Enrique的歌，第一次听到，便轻易地爱上。
一遍一遍的反复听，一次又一次的看着你的影子。
我从来没有想过，这段感情会这样的折磨我。
我也从来没有想过，自己可以这样的不理性。
我曾经对你说，让我们把爱情烂在心底；
我曾经对你说，就让我如此的心痛下去，等到心溃烂掉，没有心了，也就不会痛了。
可是，为什么，隔了这么久，爱情没有烂掉，心也没有溃烂。
你还能听见我的爱情么？
你还能看到我盈泪的双眼么？
甚至，你还记得我么？

整夜整夜地听着Hero，每当第一句话响起，I can be your hero，便莫名的难以自持。
如果我再次靠近你，你是否会像曾经那样狠心的逃开？
如果你能看到我的哭泣，你是否还会像过去那样说出如此此人的话？
如果你知道，看到你的时候，我是怎么样不能控制的颤抖，你是否对我说句安慰的话语？
如果你知道，我还是像疯子一样的爱着你，你是否能够，给我一个善意的微笑，或者是一个拥抱？
如果……

你是我的英雄，我发疯的崇拜着你。

但是，亲爱的你，你是否听见我的声音？

Would you dance
if I asked you to dance?
Would you run
and never look back?
Would you cry
if you saw me cry?
And would you save my soul, tonight?
Would you tremble
if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh?
Oh please tell me this.
Now would you die
for the one you loved?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.
I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
Would you swear
that you'll always be mine?
Or would you lie?
would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight.
I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you.
Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
I don't care...
You're here tonight.
I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by your forever.
You can take my breath away.
I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.
I can be your hero.

有時候常常在想，是否說了太多的話？這種語言所帶來的無限的空虛之感，沒有辦法説明。

儅我沉默的時候，我是充實的；而儅我一開口，我的心和我的靈魂便都不在附體。

這是多麽有趣的事情，儅你一開口，靈魂便在身體裏面，冷冷的注視著你，不時夾雜一兩聲的嘲笑，讓你覺得害怕，覺得自己不再是自己，覺得自己的這樣一副身軀，像被人偷去了糟踐一般，透心冰涼。

因此我想，話語的嘗試終究還是徒勞。

既不能爲人所聽見，也不能被人所了解。做了太多無意義的事，而這種無意義本身，仿佛變成了一種意義。

這是可笑的事情。

那天我對自己說，我不後悔。

說完之後我就笑了，因爲其實有那多可後悔，而我自己卻在此很可笑的欺騙了自己。

尤其後悔的，仍然是他。特別是那天竟然發現，那種消失的悸動竟又因著那該死的夢境有了死灰復燃的跡象。但是每次見到他，卻終究無言。

我想我不可能再愛上其他人。

儘管我知道這聲感嘆的可笑，這就一如那不堪回首的過往。但是，我不知道這樣虛無的感情何時是個盡頭？

也許，感情的交付並不是個對等的過程——即使怎樣的脫離時代，肥皂劇看多了，也終究有了電視下年輕人的常識。

雖然忍受不了這樣的不公平，忍受不了這樣的委屈，甚至有時會想要揪著他的頭髮歇斯底里的大叫一場。然而終究只是遠遠地望著他，遠遠望著。

金庸先生說：他和她隔著山谷幽幽的對望，只一眼，便窮盡了一生。

那我就在此閒遙遙相望，等著時間的流逝，等著生命的終結。

交流的徒勞，從一開始就知道。不斷地被誤解，不斷地再次被誤解。

我曾經是一無所有，之後也還是一無所有。什麽都抓不住，什麽都在一瞬間從指縫中流掉，什麽都是幻覺。

時間在流逝，我願意相信那運動的軌跡在本質上是圓，一切始于何處，必將歸于何處。

宇宙形成之初，一切皆為混沌：宇宙形成之後，一切必將重歸混沌。

黑和白的中間，其實並沒有漫長的灰色地帶，黑是黑，白是白。

因此，混沌永遠是混沌，世界永遠是一團混沌。

我都常常對別人說，沒有必要把事情搞得太複雜，簡單一點很好。

但是每當我這樣說的時候，我身體外面的那個自己就古怪的發出一聲冷笑。

但即使如此，事情對我來説，卻似乎真的在逐漸趨向簡單。

我的願望，我的思想，我的朋友和愛人。

然後，一切便消失了，就這樣消失了。

但是我不在乎。

我不在乎。

你明白麽？

56. Truly profound thinkers and highly creative artists are always out of step with their time and their society.

What is so great about truly profound thinker and highly creative artists? I don’t think we can necessarily say that it’s because, as the speaker claims, they are always out of step with their time and their society. For me, it is the things they think which is not restricted to time and therefore last forever and throughout history, that make them so remarkable and remembered.

In the first place, on its very basis, it’s difficult to make a definition about weather or not someone is out of the step with their time and their society. Or perhaps the public opinion and the society of his time can act as some kind of standard and whoever disaccord with the standard but in accord with the future standard will be called stepping out with their time and their society. A case in point will undoubtedly be Vincent Van Gogh, using his painting brush to express his emotion and attitude to the society, which was unaccepted and untolerated by his contemporaries. The failure of Van Gogh during his lifetime may be attributed to the fact that he was so many years ahead of his society.

If that is the case, which is to say, if the public opinion and the society are indeed the standard judging people on their accordance with the society, then how to explain the greatness of Shakespeare and his achievement during his time? Shakespeare is widely admired for the reason that his works, the problems that he tried to raise and the ways he thought were closely related to the society he lived, which, in another way to say, is in accord with the social standard. However, I doubt that anyone will consider Shakespeare to be not out of step and that anyone will deny the fact that he is an exceptional of the history. Shakespeare was insightful in pointing some social phenomena, which made him appeal to his contemporaries, but, at the same time, it’s for the reason that he brought up some forever problems on human nature that made him the truly profound thinker.

The mutual greatness about Van Gogh and Shakespeare lies in the truth that what create and what they think is forever lasting and will never fade. Van Gogh, the most talented artist in my heart, brought up an important problem on human emotion and put a big question mark on the value of art; Shakespeare’s “to be or not to be” problem point directly to human nature and his Romeo and Juliet story arouse people’s thinking on love and romance. Emotion, art, human nature and love, these are the problems that we human being have been trying forever to understand and truly profound thinkers and highly creative artists like Shakespeare and Van Gogh have been trying to explain these problem with their own experience, their thought and even their own life. Only with them can we be provoked to think and only with them that time flows on and on as a whole.

All in all, it would be too shallow to judge thinkers and artists, especially truly profound thinkers and artists, with the limit of time, for those remarkable things they think and create which is unrestricted by time. Indeed, they may be out of step with their time and their society, but at the same time, they are not out of step with their time and their society, because history, as a whole, is immersed with their thoughts and deeds. 

自己觉得还不错，可惜离题了。